The Art of the Squeal

My lifestyle has been deemed piggish by a majority of Americans.

I am proud to be seen as piggish. In fact, I wanted to make the pig our National Bird, but some of those scientific naysayers were against that.

The Pig is a noble creature that unselfishly sacrifices itself for the welfare of their Country. I have eaten hundreds of them, and have never heard one of them complain, unlike my staff.

Available NOV 3, 2020, ***

The Art of the Squeal
Another Oinker from D.J. Drumpig.

Preorder the Book - Mexico will pay for it.

*** Robert Mueller may be advancing the Release date of this book.

Front cover of fictitious book, The Art of the Squeal

Women’s Rights

Protected by Democratic House Chair.

“And when you’re a star they let you do it,” Drump says. “You can do anything.” “Grab them by the pussy,” “You can do anything.”

The Evangelical Right has recently come out in support of funding for more Democratic House Chairs after pictures surfaced in the National Inquisition Magazine.

The picture shows one of these Democratic chairs intervening in an awkward moment as the Donald approaches an unsuspecting Christian Center Lobbyist from the rear.

DysFUNction WORLD

Welcome to the site of the future PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY and theme park DYSFUNCTION WORLD.

It is located in the relatively draft free Mister DODGERS neighborhood, a gated community in downtown Dubrovnik.

All arrivals to the theme park will be greeted with a musical rendition of “Don’t you be my neighbor” sung by the Alexandrov Ensemble, the official army choir of the Russian armed forces.

If you can find fun in dysfunction, you can find the bearable in unbearable.

UNPRESIDENTIAL DAILY CHECKLIST (pre PANDEMIC)

An unpresidential Check List thrown out and found in the Oval Office trash in December of 2018, and subsequently saved by the Janitorial Staff and posted anonymously.

Have a bowel movement and tweet to my special people. (Highlight of my day)
Schedule my Adderall delivery.
Apply tanning spray.
Have Secret Service let in my CIRQUE DU SOLEIL hairstylist.
Send out my red ties for cleaning and stretching.
Attend morning speech therapy class.
Apply denture cream. (Note to self: sometimes I forget. Move this to position one)
Send out for breakfast, hamburgers and/or waffles and chicken fingers.
Send for the Secret Service food taster.
Watch three hours of Fox and Friends.
Take a nap.
Call Moscow on my beautiful private server.
Check that the subliminal messages promoting my wall are still running on Senators phone lines.
Order a large House of Pancakes sign to be delivered and installed over the entrance to the House of Representatives.
Walk the White House lawn avoiding fake news reporters. (Boy I miss seeing Sean Spicer in the bushes.)
Call my lawyers. Pick any two and fire them. Google some replacements.
Call in my family to help me make up distracting and fake stories for Fox and Friends like “the large amount of jobs that I have created” or “that majority of federal workers laid off by the government shutdown are 100% behind me and my wall.”
Schedule another golf outing. Remember to call it a working vacation.
Take another nap.
Order more take-out.
Send for food taster again.
Walk-through Capitol grounds and pretend I’m on an important fact-finding junket. (Walk fast and ignore the press.). The most important thing I learned in show Business is that walking fast gives people the impression you are headed to an important meeting where you will be getting things done. They fall for it all the time.
Take another nap.
Order more take-out.
Send for food taster again.
Check that my new artificial intelligence phone answering program is on and running. It’s programmed with phrases like “Yes!, But there are good people on both sides.” and “I can do that, and I may do that; we’ll see what happens.”
Stress to reporters that nothing is my fault and they must look at the Obama Administration as the cause of all the bad things that happen.

Fake News calls it a pitchfork. I call it a rake.

PREVENT FOREST FIRES. RAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

Denying Climate change, the “Drumpadiddle” Administration plans to hand out rakes to all Asylum Seekers in an effort to stem the ever-growing threat of seasonal forest fires.

It appears that Americans are not willing to do these vital new jobs.

Our West Wing Emperor “Diddly Diddly” fiddles while America burns. It’s in the raging forest fires out west that he imagines himself running through while singing to the melody of “FIDDLER ON THE ROOF”.

If I were a fireman.
Yabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dooooo.
All day long I’d raaka raaaka raaaaaaka.
Don’t you wish that you could tooooooo!

My apology to Topol.

Trumpscaping

Trumpscaping is the tactic politicians employ after saying they will bear the responsibility for their actions, and then blame anyone and everyone other than themselves when they’re shown to be in the wrong.

Trumpscaping will be a required course in all future Political Science Classes at all American Universities.

From the early smoldering gesticulations in the young brain of a spoiled child born and raised in the New York City borough of Queens, Trumpscaping has grown and flourished; culminating in the final pitiful protestations now spewing from the Potty mouth of our Pretender President, a whining, sniveling, Twittering Con Artist .

Yes Donny, We are getting tired of your Whining; so much Whining.

A Peoples Freedom Garden will bloom when the American people landscape your ass from the White House and mow you out of office.

TWILLY TWONKA

The current White House resident runs the Federal Government from his West Wing bed. He lies while lying in bed, sending out TWILLY TWONKA Grand Parent Tweets.

These TWONKA ramblings, though great fodder for late night comedians, unfortunately, keeps his base pumped up.

Rational Americans need to keep poking holes in the gas tanks of his enablers; not only to let the vitriol out but mainly to let the light in.

TWONKA Tweets have become the currency of this Administration, and although counterfeit, too many people accepted this currency on face value.

TWONKA Tweets have replaced Dynamic Debates where opposing sides defend and promote their views rationally while respecting their opponent’s differing viewpoint.

The current resident doesn’t really like the work that his position requires; he is only looking for another GOLDEN TICKET.