Editorial | FLUSHtheSWAMP. Saving America

A Grandmother Remembers

I know you think I am making this all up, but we kids could actually do this when I was your age!

As I write this, my family and I are cloistered in the sanctuary of our house. We along with vast numbers of people around the world have become pale imitations of ANNE FRANK hiding from invading Nazi persecutors during World War II.

We all are doing our best to evade the ever-present though invisible COVID-19 infiltrators that are ravaging our country, our lives, and that are destroying our social structure.

ANNE FRANK did not survive the Nazi Holocaust, however, her writings that display her courage, humanity, and hope did.

We wash our hands and can only hope for an end to this madness. Every morning we wake to more shutdowns and massive layoffs.

As I entered my local BJs warehouse store a few weeks ago, I passed many people leaving with carts piled high with toilet paper.

I then stood amazed staring at three aisles of empty pallet racks that are usually stacked to the ceiling with toilet paper. “Armageddon?”, I briefly thought.

I guess this only shows that no matter how brilliant we think we are, we are all just a bunch of a**-holes.

At every stock market report and every COVID-19 update, my wife and I both crap a load in our pants.

Could it be that those with the toilet paper stockpiles were the smart ones?

This is a satire blog, so forgive me for now ending on a serious note.

As the number of infections and deaths keep rising, it is ironic that this administration on having been so dismissive of science must now rely on science to save us all.

We can only hope that our leaders can unite in this time of crisis and fight for the people and not just for their political parties or for their own selfish interests.

Let us again wash our hands up to and into November, casting our votes for the Whole Earth, not just America, and finally get honest, knowledgeable, and compassionate leaders.

Gravy Brain

President “Gravy Brain” was such a poor student that he has threatened his high school and college from releasing his grades, and the College Board from releasing his SAT scores.

He is well aware that he is a fraud but needs you to believe that he is the Master Intelligence that sees all and knows all. He needs you to believe that he is the Master Deal Maker and Protector of the Realm. His blustering self-inflated ego demands it.

Yet, Gravy Brain’s ‘Art of the Deal’ Co-Author, Tony Schwartz says that in retrospect almost all of the deals extolled in that book were failures. He further states that most of the deals Trump has made since the publication of the book have been overwhelming failures.

Gravy Brain wants you to view him as the one Great Leader that will lift you up and out of your misery, protect you from the imagined monsters in your closets and under your beds. Be warned for he is the one tweeting you those bedtime stories.

In Feb. 2018 President Pretender said that he would have charged into the school during the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that left 17 students and teachers dead even if he were unarmed. If you believe that you probably also believe his imagined monsters are really under your bed.

As a pretend President he prefers to fill his “Executive Time” watching Friendly Fox Happy Meal Videos while obsessing over his low approval ratings and negative press coverage.

He could not explain or defend a complex issue if his life depended on it.

With the attention span of a toddler and the fact retention of a fruit fly, he continues to rattle on; “NO COLLUSION”, “WITCH HUNT”, “FAKE NEWS”, “I AM VERY VERY SMART”, and “I KNOW THE BEST WORDS”.

One of the best examples of his illiteracy is his calling the Mueller Investigation a “PHONY WITCH HUNT”. He doesn’t realize that he is declaring the investigation is not a witch hunt.

I paraphrase a line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet when I say, “DONNYBOY; methinks thou doth protest too much.”

Let me dumb this down for Donny Boy. (Shakespeare was what could be considered an English “Elizabethan Rapper”. One of his lyrics implied that when someone constantly keeps boasting about something then the opposite of what is said must be true.)

With a fourth-grade reading level that he has infrequently used since the fourth grade, President “Gravy Brain” refuses to read any intelligence reports and relies on oral briefings.

His advisers need to distill complex issues down to one or two talking points. They present him one-page place-mats with accompanying assortments of colorful crayons with which he can practice tracing over his over-sized illegible signature and color in the educational puzzles that his staff print out as learning aids.

They have discovered that if his name appears on any papers he is more inclined to at least look at them. You can put newspapers at the feet of a puppy and imagine he might learn to read. You could also imagine you won’t need to clean up a load of crap at the end of each day. “NOT going to HAPPEN”.

Here’s an idea; since our “Holy POTUS” does not read anything can someone send him some resignation papers to sign?

Flusher in Chief

“Drumph” is a 15 flush kind of guy? Who Knew?

Wow! The White House occupier ironically agrees with me in that we need better flushes. (YOUTUBE).

Looking down at the porcelain seat from which he grunts and tweets he is aghast that it takes between ten to fifteen flushes to rid the contents. You can only hold it in for so long, and when it’s all you have inside, releasing it is both agonizing and ironically psychologically rewarding.

Observing fleeting expressions of admiration on his parents faces as they glanced at him when his Nanny told them of his potty training success, taught him to always have a load ready and waiting to go.

I and my colleagues have always surmised that he was full of crap. It turns out that this may be more literal now than figurative.

Side Note: Trumps’ grandfathers name originaly was Drumph.
He changed it when he emigrated to the States.

Trump is slang for Fart in Britain!

Imagine that in 3 meter high gold letters on his building.

Sinking of the U. S. S. TRUMPANIC

Are you one of the many extremely wealthy Republicans or SuperPACs that have bought tickets on the maiden voyage of the U. S. S. Trumpanic?

Were you lured onto this ship by the many amenities and family discounts offered to you?

The first class tickets for this voyage were way beyond the means of most Americans; however, the cost was well worth it for you and your corporations.

They would enable you to have a one on one conversation at the captain’s table. There you would promote your agenda and influence him in the speed and direction that the ship would sail.

On leaving the still calm waters of Inauguration Bay you sailed out into the unfamiliar waters of the “Waitand Sea”.

Climate change has since resulted in ever stronger and more frequent hurricanes. Wildfires have destroyed millions of acres of forested public and private land. Then lack of ground cover and unrelenting rain caused major mudslides. The earth then flushed rivers of mud out and into turbid tidal waters.

The cloudy waters have impeded the progress of the U. S. S. Trumpanic ever since her departure.

The captain, a retired vaudevillian, steers the ship by gut feeling alone; for the ship has no GPS.

Easily distracted, he does not read any vital communications sent to him, preferring to continually perform for his guests at many of the venues available on board.

On realizing his ship is lost, he always blames the Helmsman and after throwing the accused overboard, he promotes someone as their replacement.

Throughout the many overboard promotions that follow and while ignoring all advice offered to him, the Captain wanders aimlessly and his ship flounders in the Black Sea.

Losing all communications and caught in a never-ending fog the U. S. S. Trumpanic drifts aimlessly, spiraling further into an ever-expanding “Sea of Troubles”.

Now with ship’s engines failing, you and your fellow passengers are drifting into the shark-filled waters of the “Democra Sea”.

Shrouded in fog, cliff rocks locally known as The Wall of Despair loom ahead. Many families nearby had ancestors that drown when the ships they were on had run onto those rocks.

The freedoms offered after fleeing from the persecution in their former homeland were cruelly snatched from their grasp within sight of their new homeland.

The community had built a lighthouse beacon above those cliffs to warn future travelers of impending disaster. It was named to honor the memory of a man who pulled many from the waters in those early days.

A proud descendant of that first lighthouse keeper lives there today, carrying on his legacy.

Looking seaward he frantically flashes Morse code to your approaching ship.

Bewilderingly your Captain ignores the warning flashes from the Mueller Lighthouse.

Morse code repeatedly flashes “Iceberg ahead”. “Iceberg ahead”. “Iceberg Ahead”.

Edgar Allan

Often lately I have pleasantly woken from a very surreal recurring dream that was both macabre and sublimely serene. I liken that awakening to the feeling one gets lying in bed savoring the moment between learning one possess the largest winning Lottery ticket in history and the waking reality of having never actually bought a ticket and thus must face another dismal rainy Monday morning commute. In my dream, a college roommate of young “Donny Trumple” was Edgar Allan, whom everyone on campus knew as “Poe”. Poe was, in reality, Dexter Serial, a homicidal killer and escaped mental patient hiding in plain sight. Right before graduation and after suffering through six months of Donny’s constant whining he drugs then drags him to the basement of their Fraternity house. Poe then proceeds to entomb him behind a stone wall to be seen NEVERMORE. “What do you know?” Dreams really can cheer us up and brighten an otherwise dreary day.

S.O.T.U. PROTOCOL

This is a press release leaked to reporters here at FAKYNEWS Channel 3.14 by infamous Hacker UPYOURS right before the President’s State of the Union Speech.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact:White House Press Room
Phone:xxx-xxx-xxxx
Email:TRUMPandPUTIN@sittin-ina-TREE-KKK+KBG.com

S.O.T.U. PROTOCOL

Fake News reporters read at your own risk. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken.

Allergy Warning: This paper may have been printed by a nut. Quantities are limited. No substitutions allowed.

The State of the Union Address does not implicate this administration, our friends, or anyone affiliated with our administration, their friends and/or acquaintances both foreign and domestic.

Don’t quote us on that, in fact, don’t quote us on anything.

The President’s State of the Union Speech, which he totally wrote by himself, is provided “as is” without any accuracy warranties.

This speech is void where prohibited or otherwise restricted by law.

Reading transcripts of his speech will cause drowsiness. Alcohol may intensify this effect.

Inflammable. Burning the transcripts of his speech could be hazardous to your health.

Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle any transcripts. Definitely-DO NOT SPINDLE!

If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, please discontinue listening to his State of the Union Speech.

Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Only read this press release while proper ventilation is available.

Side effects from reading this document may include drowsiness, blurred vision, irritability, rash, palpitations, and/or permanent paralysis of the facial muscles not unlike the president’s son, Eric.

The President’s State of the Union speech will not address any of the following subjects:

His poor communication skills
His antiquated ineffectual governmental supervision
Misuse of Federal Government Money or higher taxes on the middle class
Golfing
Inadequate Federal Disaster Relief for flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes, meteor strikes and other Acts of God.
Neglect or damage caused by a lack of reading.
Neglect or damage caused by lack of hearing.
Neglect or damage caused by a lack of understanding.
Unsupervised TV viewing
Missing or altered e-mails
His businesses
His finances
Anything Russian
Electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts or anything pertaining to North Korea.
Climate change, mudslides, forest fires
school shootings, gun control, and the NRA
Women’s rights
Children separated from parents at our borders
Government shutdowns and back pay owed to contractors
White Nationalism and much more…..

Any reference to actual persons, living or dead, although highly amusing and deeply humiliating is intentionally coincidental. Yes, He is talking to you, Chuck and Nancy.

We told you not to read this if the safety seal was broken.

A Presidential Apple

Mr. President, a new variety of apple you found at the supermarket was very different from all the other apples that you were accustomed to. So you thought “what the hell, I’ll give it a try”.

You bought it, brought it home and prominently placed it in your best white fruit bowl.

Mostly green with a slight golden tinge near the stem, you waited for it to ripen a little more wanting it to become more “Apple-like”, more “Presidential”.

The golden top swiftly mutated into a dull orange hue and the otherwise shiny outer surface faded into a not so brilliant green.

Finally, the time came to test the apple. You pierced its skin and slicing into it, discovered that it was rotten the day you bought it.

TRUMPERMAN

Trumperman from the planet RipUoff, located in an alternate universe, crash-landed on Earth, after escaping from the Foxdumb Zone a guarded gated community for the criminally insane.

He developed super coping powers that only grew stronger throughout his socially awkward childhood. These powers consisted of:

His victimizing aura, and
His blame deflector

He returned to search the crash site many times, during his youth.

He was only able to salvage a few items from the debris field of his crashed vehicle.

A chest holding over four hundred million golden KriptoBits gifted to him by the GREAT FRUMP, his father. All Its’ contents would eventually slip through Trumperman’s very tiny hands. SAD!
A Signed Non Disclosure Agreement stating he could never disclose how his father procured those KriptoBits.
And finally, a case containing Foxitude crystals.

Many years had passed since his crash when, while examining the Crystal Container, he accidently pressed a hidden button.
The Instruction Manual was instantly read aloud to him. This was fortunate because Trumperman had never learned to read the papers contained inside.

He was now able to use the crystals to create his Fortress of Foxitude. He spends much of his time there.

While there he invented his:

“Trumpaphoney” a weapon that shoots out a constant barrage of believable lies. Humans find them irresistible.
“Ear Blinders” (a device that once permanently inserted into each of his ears, deflects any ideas that conflict with his own thoughts. (Side effects: blurred speech and vision; along with sinus problems resulting in a constant sniffling when speaking.)
He also invented the “Innuendo”; a stealth weapon that throws insinuating and debilitating lies about anyone he does not trust, which sadly encompasses all humanity.

He spends the remaining time at his fortress watching ‘Fox and Friends’, and fabricating a multitude of every expanding lies.

SIDE NOTE: As you all know, many have said that he cloned his “STEPFORD LIFE Friends at Fox”, from his own alien DNA.